This is an unexpected post that hasn’t been on my blogging plan. To be honest the last couple of posts haven’t been on my plan either. So, I’m just going to write from the heart on how I’ve been feeling.
The past couple of years have been very tough. My health has been incredibly difficult to deal with at times. Health is something I will possibly have to battle with for the rest of my life. As well as trying to solve the many injustices and wrong doings I’ve faced pretty much my entire life. I’ve never actioned any of my injustices until I did one very serious complaint a few months ago.
I want peace. I want a stop and end to all the suffering I have endured. Because I am at breaking point. I can’t endure any more traumas because I’ve been through it all.
This week just gone has been a really low and dark time for me. I’m in a better place this morning so I feel like I just wanted to go with the flow, push my planned bulk of blog posts out a little further again and just have a chat.
Often I have a dilemma that I am living two worlds at times, trying to please both of those worlds.
I have one where I have this online presence and I’m very raw, honest and vulnerable on here and I love it, it’s my passion and I’m good at writing or so I’m told. I just speak from the heart.
Also as my career has been in Marketing for over 10 years and still is a career I love deeply.
When you’re in Marketing, I feel that you need to have this “online presence”, and I struggle to balance that world with my real life world. Sometimes I feel like those closest to me get most affected by anything I say or do on my blog or social media because they simply don’t understand my job and they don’t get “influencers or bloggers”. And, I’m trying to separate the worlds, but I’m really conflicted because I shouldn’t feel that I need to do that.
It’s like having any job and your social media or blog presence is about your job. Say you’re a Teacher, and you chose to discuss just Teaching on your blog or social media as one example. So, what I’m finding challenging and really hard is the scrutiny from those I consider close friends and family, because none of them understand the career I’m in and the world of Marketing.
I wouldn’t pick holes at someone else’s dreams and career. So, I don’t feel like it should be done to me. It’s just not fair to do that to someone.
There has been talks with my partner about me completely changing my career to something completely new, such as either working with charities, animals, travelling or even learning nutrition or being an avocate for environmental changes that need to happen in the world. But, I’m so conflicted by it all. Because I do love these new career ideas, however I still love the creative side of me and I love writing. So how do you balance this? That’s what I’m trying to understand. The problem is I’m super stubborn and I’m not going to give up on something I simply love. I love my blog and that’s it. It brings me a lot of joy and satisfaction. I love documenting things, always have and always will. It’s my memory bank of the good and bad dealings of my life.
That being said, I don’t want my career and passions affecting those closest to me. So, if I have to go in another direction for the sake of not hurting someone close to me, then I’d probably chose one or two of the above careers to dip my toes into. I have a deep connection with animals, they bloody love me for some reason, so maybe that is my next path in life. We shall see. I do also want a write a book, but not sure on the topic yet, it would be a helpful one though.
Close friends have said to me over the years that I need to talk about my life in a book because they would find that fascinating, however, I just don’t think that would be helpful to anyone right now. Also, I don’t think people would read it or find it interesting, a part from anyone who knows me in real life. So, writing a book on a helpful subject matter might be more interesting and more valuable for me to do. Because I like helping others.
Another thing I am a very good at is being a advocate. I stand up for what I believe in and all the injustices that happen in the world. Maybe at times, I do take on too much that one person can possibly handle, but because there is so much injustice in the world, I want and will fight for what’s right. That’s just who I am.
I fight tirelessly against the wrong doings in the world. I do need a better balance of it all, because I don’t want to stress and burn myself out when I’m trying to recover from my health and the past. As well as trying to have a baby because that’s a big enough challenge as it is.
I think I just try to change the wrongs in the world too much, and it shouldn’t really be my problem to sort. I’m not a god or someone with a enormous following or even a celebrity, and truthly I would never want that and that has never been my aspiration in life. It would give me even more anxiety if I had millions following me because I would need to be so so careful with what I say. I’m happy with the readers and such I get on my blog and my social media. It’s the perfect amount.
Waffling on a bit, as I do… Anyway, me and Joe are so similar with trying to change the world to become a better place. He will probably hate me for sharing one of his quotes… but he always quotes and says this to me… “be the change you want to see in the world.” – That is a special JD quote.
Anyway, another thing I have been dealing with for years (in my head), but finally complained a few months ago… is a compliant towards a huge organisation in the health care sector. One compliant and investigation has been dealt with and I felt a huge sense of relief because this investigation has been playing on my mind for over six years and I didn’t speak to anyone about it about from Joe.. and then opened up to a handful of people a few months ago about it.
I received a super apologetic letter from the department and they apologised that the duty of care was broken, hence the apology. So, it was nice to be acknowledged that they messed up and this incident should not of happened. However, I have about 10 other situations to complain about. Not just within a particular sector. But other things I’ve had to sadly deal with over the past 10 or so years. Baby steps with each investigation though. Otherwise I will end up giving myself a heart attack.
As well as my own situations, I’m dealing with what my nan went through in her final years and I will take justice in time.
I’m not happy about how things went down, and some of the people or should I say previous “carers” will be investigated in due course. You cannot see something happening unless you went to the environment, I went once or twice to see my nan during Covid times, and I instantly clocked what was happening to my nan. She was completely drugged up and left in bed every day, that she lost all mobility and she possibly had no idea what was going on around her. I don’t even know if she could even recognise me or hear me! So I held her hand and whispered something to her. Furthermore, when she ended up in hospital a few times, she was herself again and recognised me straight away, so I knew something was up.
Until, I told my family members about what I felt was happening, they got her moved to a different care home right away. ANYWAY, justice for my nan will be done when I’m ready to deal with the poor care she received when she was struggling with Dementia.
My nan is always in my thoughts since she passed. Every day I think about her. Because she was one of my biggest influences and inspirations in life. She was an incredible human being. Without her guidance at times, I don’t know what I would of done. She was my biggest cheerleader, as was my grandad. My grandad is soon to be 89, well, next year. I’m happy he is still with me and I have this father figure – best friend relationship if that’s what you want to call it. However, I am still grieving my nan every single day.
On a little outing over the weekend, I saw this guardian angel coin and it caught my attention. It reminded me of my nan, so I purchased it. I will be carrying this coin with me every where I go as I sadly don’t have many material possessions of hers. Mine and my nan’s plan, well it was a plan for all the girls in her little family, but my plan was for me to create a diamond necklace with one of her diamonds from her engagement ring. It’s been challenging to do that because of one family member. So, I’m finding it hard that I still haven’t been able to do this even though my nan passed a year and a half ago now.
It’s all such a very touchy and an extremely delicate subject to be honest that I probably shouldn’t discuss on here. But I wanted to discuss why I purchased the guardian angel coin. I’m just giving some context behind the purchase of the coin. There is a lot more behind the scenes, however I wouldn’t be able to discuss further on my blog.
And then, there has been a lot of other difficult discussions on going. We’re all trying to work it through together in the best possible way.
Then, I had my biopsy last Monday too. Waiting for the results. Then, we will decide what to do about IVF round 3. Infertility is possibly one of the most difficult health complications I’ve ever faced. As well as Endometriosis pains and the complex issues with my mental health. It was also baby loss awareness week in October the other week, and I found that a tad triggering. It’s a great cause to raise awareness for all the losses, but when you’re still childless, it makes you feel incredibly sad.
Oh, and Thyroid issues can be a problem from time to time too. How do I manage this all because it’s really challenging when I’m trying to live a normal life. At times, I have weeks where I can’t function and it hurts me to my core. I hate not being able to do a simple task, such as, cooking a meal, because of the agony I’m in. When I’m in agony, my time is a write off until I’m no longer in pain.
I don’t like asking for help either, so I really struggle, cry and grimace in pain, while trying to force myself to move myself from the sofa or bed, but then I give up because I physically can’t move to do a basic task. It stresses me out that at times that I’ve had to ring either my mum or Joe to help me. I feel so guilty doing this because they have to re-arrange their days to help me and especially Joe. At times, Joe has had to re-arrange all this meetings to come home, make me a meal or cup of tea and then continue working upstairs. If I need further help, I message him while he is working in hope that he will look at his phone while working. Joe doesn’t look at his phone while working though and is near enough impossible to contact when he is meetings. He doesn’t get a breather at times because he is in back to back meetings all day. I think I’m one of his emergency contact’s though, so I’m one of the only people who can get through to him, but even so, I do struggle to get through sometimes, and I do understand that he can’t pick up the phone or message me back right away, because he is often having a serious or important discussion with someone or a team.
I hate relying on people. This hasn’t happened much within the majority of thirty odd years, however, I’ve had to ask for help twice the past 5 months I’d say. I didn’t have much help when I had my operations. I just got on with things when I was discharged from hospital. So, I suppose everyone who knows me the best is used to me dealing with these health complications by myself and it may seem out of character for me to reach out for help.
Anyway, I’ve learnt to deal with the pains, however, last week in particular was quite challenging with my mental health, as I was not in a good place. That I felt that I had lost days of my time, just spending time on the sofa, not being able to focus on anything like TV or films, or daily tasks, I was completely consumed with my thoughts. I barely ate or did anything. I lost my mojo and motivation.
However, despite all the challenges on my plate, I am feeling more a lot more positive and happier today, and I was feeling much happier yesterday too.
On Saturday I went and got my nails done as a treat. I also bought a few wellbeing things in a cute shop after my beauty appointment, went for a solo walk to clear my thoughts after, had lunch with Arch and Joe, and then we both did our own things for the rest of the day, however we did watch the England rugby world cup match together, which was really nice but I just don’t understand rugby rules… so confusing.
On Sunday I sent a few messages to some close friends of mine and made amends in the morning, one amend a day otherwise I tend to get super overwhelmed… Any who, it’s such a relief to have those friendships in my life to simply understand me and the way I feel and just not be misunderstood for once. I’m not great with apologising because I am incredibly stubborn and feel like I need to always stand my ground, so to receive an apology of me is a big deal to be honest.
Anyway, after the amends, Joe and I went for a dog walk but I was feeling anxious again and working myself up with on going conversations and situations I had previously that week, so I went for a solo walk afterwards for miles. I just kept walking and walking. I had no idea where I was actually going (also very out of character for me to walk into the unknown, as I have huge anxiety if I don’t know where I am and my surroundings), however I walked into another village that I’m not familiar with and then walked back home. It was just one straight path, so I felt a bit of comfort that I could get back easily by turning back round and simply walk in a straight line back to familiar surroundings. I was so present in the moment, the walk and in nature that I didn’t reach for my phone once the entire time to check my notifications. My phone was of course buzzing a lot and I ignored it all and put my devices into ‘do not disturb’ mode.
On my walk I listened to an Apple podcast, first time I’ve done one of those. It’s the ‘Time to Walk’ ones on your watch. The podcast was based on a famous Columbian musician’s story. Anyway, the good weather, the peaceful surroundings, seeing animals on my walk lifted my mood. I came across a few horses and a deer came out of no-where on the path I was on! I’ve been referred to as a deer by some people before, as in I look like a deer.
They are such sweet animals, so that was a massive compliment. So, every time I see a deer, that makes me think back to the compliments I have received from those people.
I also found the Jada Smith chat with The Diary of a CEO very enlightening and almost awakening. This had been recommended to me by a dear friend. Highly recommend giving it a listen. Also watched ‘Into The Wild’ on Netflix, it’s AMAZING. Been listening to uplifting music too.
I just need to sort my bloody sleep out! Severe insomnia is a ballache.