A Heart to Heart…

I don’t really like to be a negative nelly, but honestly I haven’t been doing ok lately, well I’ve been up and down for months.

I’m confused with what I actually want in life.

I’m questioning why I’m unsatisfied in life. Re-visiting old memories in my head. Did I make the right decisions? All I know is that I need to get out of this mind-set and start appreciating all I have. But it’s not easy.

The things I do know, I enjoy writing, designing, doing charity work and helping people and animals. And that I want to be a mum, but that journey has been a rollercoster and will take time.

I have a real problem of getting inside my head and I would really like to pour my emotions out on here, but it just wouldn’t be fair on some people. Maybe I shouldn’t of watched La La Land again – that film really messes with my head and emotions. Just as much as some music does.

Anyway, I’ve just finished watching the Ed Sheeran documentary on Disney+. As I’m a massive empath, I really feel other’s emotions and I started crying at parts of it (what a loser… not that I even know the guy lol). I’ve just been very very emotional recently. I think maybe because it’s coming up to a year where my nan passed away and I’m just trying to figure out life I suppose.

I think if I was to actually say what was troubling me, it could cause a lot of damage and I’m not the type of person to do that.

Sometimes you feel like banging your head against a wall because you’re sick of trying. But you can always work things out if you’re willing to put the work in.

Anyway, I was having a conversation with my husband the other day about my ‘trust issues’ and where it all started.

I think parts of me will always be damaged from being hurt in previous relationships and friendships. I just don’t trust and open up easily, apart from when I’m writing or talking to someone I’m very very close with.

Where I’ve had to deal with violence, emotional abuse and cheating has really affected me and probably why I’m wise with who I let in my life or who I let love me. I think it kind of started when I really liked someone and my best friend (at the time) was talking to him too (more flirting), anyway, he told me and I lost my shit lol. Cut the long story short, he was actually my first long-term boyfriend and well, we were together for a while and I cut the so called best friend out of my life! And then most of my relationships went down hill… I mean what did I expect?! But I guess I got lucky with Joe. I think these past experiences have really really messed me up.

I wasn’t even looking for love when I met Joe, I had in my head that ‘all men are evil’ and well he turned out to be a goodun’. We’ve had our fair share of moments where people have tried to intervene and separate us, but I guess I’ve got to look at the situation and say, I chose him and he chose me. We have been together a really long time though, over 12 years. I know he’ll always be in my life, unless he breaks my heart. Then there will be hell. Haha, just kidding. I think vice versa though, if I was to break his heart, it would destroy him.

ANYWAY, i don’t really know where I’m going with this. I just felt the need to have a little heart to heart.

Some good things…

• Watching the Wrexham documentary on Disney+
• Watching Lewis Capaldi’s How Im Feeling Now Documentary on Netflix
• Ed Sheeran: The Sum of It All documentary on Disney+
• Binge watched Normal People again…
• Music and writing getting me through most days
• Long walks & chats with my neighbour Rachel
• Long walks with Joe and Archie
• Easter bank holiday weekend
• My mother in law baking the BEST lemon meringue pie, which was Gluten Free!
• Bathroom Reno
• Planthood food boxes
• Leaving Arch for over 2 hours+ a few times
• My grandads birthday meal – going to a local pub
• My uncle deans family meal
• Borough 22 Doughnuts
• Falling back in love with music
• Nobody gets me – SZA on repeat
• Doughnut time GF doughnuts
• Embryo transfer date has been confirmed 😉

Hope you’re all doing ok! I needed to get some things off my chest. I should probably write in it a diary or my notes app, but I’m trying to be more open on here.