This has been sitting in my drafts for a little while. It’s not the easiest of subjects to chat about.
I think of something to type up, then delete it, as it’s not good enough to publish. So if it’s a muddled mess of emotions below, please excuse me.
Anyway, I thought fuck it, I could help someone going through something similar. So wanted to finally click publish.
Grief can mean different things to different people. When someone passes, when you break-up from a relationship, when a pet has to be put down and so on.
Grief is not an easy ride, it can hit you in the mornings, afternoons and evenings, it’s completely unexpected when it rears its ugly head.
I’ve lost three grandparents in the space of two years, which is really unsettling. The past couple of days, I’ve been in tears as soon as I wake up.
I was so close to my nan that passed a few months ago. She was like a second mum to me. I know she had a good life, up until a few years back when she lost all movement in her legs and arms, and sometimes the ability to talk. She would nod and say ‘yes’ a lot. Which in all honesty, I didn’t want to see, I didn’t want to remember her this way. That may sound selfish, but it made it difficult to visit her in the care home, covid didn’t help and I wasn’t on the list of people who could visit anyway.
I was also dealing with health issues and a busy work-load myself, so finding the time to see her was near impossible during her last final months. I was actually on a friend’s hen do when she passed, I didn’t find out till I got home, and as you can imagine, the tears and the guilt cloud reared it’s ugly head.
I’ve been made to feel guilty about not seeing her in a final months, but there’s no point re-living the past, I can’t change what I had going on in my life, I can only remember the good memories I had with her when I was growing up into her early eighties.
My nan suffered with dementia amongst other health issues, she remembered who we all were, but forgot what she had eaten or couldn’t remember the previous days. She remembered old times though and used to call me ‘Zozo’ or ‘Zobo’ when I did visit her in hospital (as it was easy to visit than the care home). That was a difficult period for me, I had to feed her, she was sleeping a lot but she could talk a little bit. But in my eyes, she was deteariating and I couldn’t imagine her getting better. But she kept fighting for a few more months.
I have one grandparent left and that’s my grandad on my mum’s side, we have a special relationship, he’s like a father figure to me and he always has such a positive out look on life. He’s always smiling and joking around even though I can tell he misses my nan.
I try not to think about it, but the thought of losing him as well brings me to tears every now and again. He’s 87 and I know he isn’t going to live forever. I’ll miss our daily phone calls, his jokes, his smile and laugh. But right now it’s best not to think about it.
I can only try and see him as much as I possibly can. And make sure he’s enjoying life as much as he possibly can.
I don’t know how to end this post as I could possibly continue blurting out my thoughts on grief forever, but I think I’ll end this here.
Just know if you’ve lost someone close to you, please know you are not alone. Grief is a horrible thing to battle through. And if you don’t have anyone to talk to, feel free to message me on Instagram.